My thoughts lately have seemingly been centered on what exactly am I supposed to do. After our nightmarish journey with Natalie’s brain bleeds in 2008 I realized that I had been called to tell our story. Over the course of those first few months I learned so much about trusting God with EVERYTHING in my life. On so many levels it increased my faith and I knew that I wanted to share my testimony with others. I also knew that I had been CALLED to share my testimony. We are going on two years since Natalie was first diagnosed with multiple brain bleeds but I am still left pondering how and when will the door open to REALLY share my testimony like I feel I am lead to do. I’ve been able to minister to a few fellow Christians about our story and my friends and family know our journey all too well, but I feel that at some point I will reach a whole new level with my story. You see, I have felt pretty much from the beginning that I am supposed to write a book.
For a while I felt that my book would mostly be centered on Natalie’s story and her continued triumph over her condition, but then I realized that this story isn’t really about Natalie. It is definitely HER story, but it also MY story. It is my story of faith in trust in the darkest moment of my life. It is Thomas’ story of learning to have faith when you feel “nothing.” Where does this story truly begin? Have I even reached the ending or are there more chapters to be written before God deems it complete. How do I go about doing this? Do I need to be writing and preparing for the day that the door IS opened (I don’t want to forget any important details)? Do I need to be research, studying the concepts of faith in God or do I simply allow the words to flow through me. I have always been a bit of write by the seat of my pants type writer. I don’t really like planning, I just want to sit down and let things flow. However, if this story is not complete until Natalie is older and it is completely clear that she suffered no long term effects from the brain trauma then how to I keep all the facts in line, so much happens with kids as they grow, especially in the first few years.
My thoughts are jumbled and random. I don’t seem to have any clear path at the moment, I don’t believe I can even see the path at the moment, I just know its there…in front of me (somewhere). I know I have many things to learn about ministering before that door opens, and I think I’m in the right place to begin to learn those things. I know the day will come when the words with flow as I write or come to me as I speak about our story, but until then I just sit and wonder what am I supposed to be doing to prepare myself for that day, whenever it is.
I want to use this blog as my journey as my ‘means to an end.’ As I learn and grow and see God work in my life and in Thomas and Natalie’s lives. I am not a patient person, this is going to be a challenge because they only thing I can really do is be patient at this point. God is saying “wait” and I have to wait.