Drowning

I feel like I am drowning.  Lately my life has begun to feel like a chaotic storm with no end in sight.  My house, my office, my car all reflect what I am feeling internally.  My husband has been trying his best to maintain order in the midst of my chaos.  He strives for organization so that he can function clearly.  I agree with him, I want to get our lives, things, papers in order so that it will be easier to handle but the thought of that and the realization that there is not enough hours in the day simply adds to my storm.  I see so many things I want to do, feel like I am SUPPOSED to do but I don’t know how to achieve them.  I want to reach a place in our lives where I quit the 9 to 5 and manage the business.  I want to go back to grad school and get my Master’s in History so that I can hopefully become a part-time adjunct professor at one of the local colleges.  I want to create a part-time genealogical research company and get paid to research!  I want to be able to have a more flexible schedule so that I can become involved in my children’s school when they get there ( less than 18 months until kindergaren for my oldest!)  I want to be able to have time to volunteer and be more involved in my church.  I want to be able to travel at least every other year to France so that my daughters can know where they come from and who they are (my husband is French).  I want to be involved with a local organization that teaches English as a Second Language.  I want to write a book on my journey of and to faith when my oldest was just an infant and lying in a hospital bed.

So many things I want to do and think I NEED to do, but I don’t know how to get there.  I know the first step is organization but I just don’t know how to get there.  There’s just not enough hours in the day to do everything and its seriously affecting me and because of it it is affecting my family.  I am not being the rock that my husband needs and I feel like I have not been there for him lately like he deserves.  My oldest thrives on a schedule and a pattern and while the essentials are still in place its the in between times that I am struggling and her behavior reflects that.  My youngest is the opposite of her sister, she eschews a schedule and thinks sleep is for the week and that only serves to add to my disorganization.  I can’t tell you when the last time I got more than 2 hours of sleep in a row was…

I am extremely grateful that 2011 is over.  It was a topsy-turvy roller coaster of a year.  I spent the majority of the year pregnant and to that we mixed in moving to a new house, renovating and renting a condo that we really wish we could just sell, renting out our old house and losing several hundred dollars a month doing so, worrying whether or not I would still have a job throughout my entire pregnancy (health insurance comes through me!), the sudden and unexpected death of my baby sister, and the eventual birth of our baby girl.  Things have seemed to have settled into a semi-routine of monotony and I pray that it continues.  But something is going to have to change and I’m not sure where it begins…

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